Case Of The Mistaken Undies

Recently I was chatting with my Sister (aka my best friend, aren't I lucky?) and we were sharing funny dating stories from out past.  One had me near tears so I couldn't help but to share. 

Mr. Canada and I were a new couple. Together maybe 2, 3 months tops. We moved FAST! Met, kissed, started dating, and I moved in all within a month. Technically I didn't live there but that's not the point. The point is we didn't go at a normal speed so we were already doing mixed loads of laundry when most couples are still unconvinced that there is anything to do outside the bedroom together.

The first time we mixed our wash I was folding things to put away while he geeked out on the computer for a bit. We were chatting about our day or making dinner plans or something. The details aren't important. All the sudden I held up a pair of very tiny lacy pink undies and with the most serious face I make asked him who they belonged to.

If he had turned any whiter he would have been see through! His jaw about hit the floor and he stammered out "I..I...I thought they were yours!"

I lost it! I couldn't stop laughing. I nearly had to run for the restroom I was laughing so hard. Of course they were mine! I just couldn't resist screwing with him a little bit. Who says I am uptight all the time?  A girl has to have a little fun right?

Ladies Don't Do That

I am one of those rare people. The type that believes that ladies do not sweat, burp, fart or make any bodily functions that would bring tears to your eyes. I was taught by my nana that ladies to not whistle, spit, or curse. I try very hard to maintain a ladylike demeanor. And heaven forbid I did let a bodily function happen, I'd deny it til I was blue in the face.

Now, that said, allow me to tell you a story.

It was a typical evening. Dinner picked up on the way home from work. One of the roommates in the living. The loving couple in the bedroom talking about their day. Nothing at all out of the ordinary. Mr. was laying on the bed, and in typical spoiled girl fashion, Miss. was sitting on his stomach. (Please note, they were both clothed, this is a G rated story after all) While talking and laughing about the daily stress, Mr. thought it would be funny to start tickling Miss. Amid shrieks of "PLEASE STOP!" and giggles that even the roommate could hear, it happened.

She couldn't stop it. She knew it was going to happen and there was nothing short of death that could put an end to it.

Miss. Farted!

Hoping to God, Buddha, Zeus, Allah and every other deity in the world that Mr. had missed it, Miss' eyes got wide and her face got red. The look on Mr.s' face said that he hadn't missed it. How could he when the vibrations were right on his stomach.

It took only seconds before Mr. went from shocked to crying with laughter. He was trying to run for the door to tell the roommate. He had proof now, that Miss., ladylike little Miss., was in fact human!

It was only because of the tears coming from Miss. (embarrassment, fear, sadness) that kept Mr. from telling the whole world. And while they, of course, were able to move past the little indiscretion, Mr. never let Miss. forget what happened when she would try and be her prissy self.

The end!

Now please note, this is just a fiction story. I mean, it couldn't possibly be about me.   After all, a lady like me never passes gas!

Trojan War

So I figured I'd start off my blogging here with a bang.  Pun intended.  I warned you I had wonderful dating stories to share! 

I need to go back a bit. Back to the fall of 2007. I was blissfully in love with a wonderful Marine. We were going on 6 months of dating and were adjusting to the long distance thing that happened midway through the relationship.  He was in town for a meer 36 hours, half of which I was going to be working. We were determined to make the most of our short visit and clothes were flying off before the door was firmly closed and locked.

After the all the "Dear God" and "Oh baby's" were over we were laying there is a bit of a sweaty mess when Marine J got the most horror stricken look on his face. A million thoughts ran though my head. Did he see the extra stomach roll I couldn't hide? Was it not good for him? What could make this man, who was so excited to see me only a few shorts hours ago, have this look on his face.

Then he finally spoke...

"Uh oh."

Uh oh? UH OH!? These are not good words. In fact, after hot, sweaty, toe-curling sex, uh oh was the last thing I wanted to hear. Fear sank in as I realized that the only thing that could make this tough man say uh oh was a birth control malfunction. In my head, worst case scenario was a broken condom and that was enough to jack my heart rate through the roof.

Good news....I was wrong, the condom didn't break.

Bad news....the condom came off and was inside of me. INSIDE ME!

That's about when all rational thought flew out of my head and I could no longer remember my name, his name, or where I was if you had asked me. All I knew what there was something in me that definitely wasn't supposed to be.

Thank goodness for a calm, level headed boyfriend. Marine J was amazing. He calmed me down, helped correct the situation and was even wonderful enough to get the shower running for me.

To this day I'm still terrified of another "incident".  Though maybe I'd handle it with a little less panic.  Nah, who am I kidding.  I'd still freak out!